


Weak

by NicoleEdxAl



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, One Shot, Online Friendship, eren's pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-07 17:55:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11628831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NicoleEdxAl/pseuds/NicoleEdxAl
Summary: Levi, why did you leave? Please tell me you'll come back.One shot.





	Weak

Levi, I’m sorry. 

I never meant to leave. Why aren’t you responding? You know my thoughts become nightmares when you disappear. You said goodbye, but never told me when you’d come back. Are you expecting me to wait? Is this a punishment? I know I’ve been distant for the past few weeks, but none of it is your fault.

It’s been four days since I last spoke to you, when I told you I needed a break; only for a week so I could get my life on track. You took it personally and I hope your sudden dry spell of communication is something I can blame on your phone company. You have your phone all the time, so why haven’t you at least seen my messages? Please tell me it’s broken. I suppose that would be impossible now wouldn’t it? I miss coming online to see several numbers beside your name. Most of them indications of spam, or stories about your new home, or someone who pissed you off. Whether they were good or bad I still enjoyed them. They told me you were okay and still pushing forward. Now that our history is blank, does that mean you’ve given up?

You have every right to be upset. Everything you’ve dealt with has been a crushing weight on your shoulders making each step more and more difficult. I can’t begin to understand your pain and you’ve suffered too much, yet find the strength to smile, however rare. Me? I’m pathetically fragile. My life has never come close to the hell you go through every day. I blame myself. I always have. I’m not good enough to make you feel better. I do what I can, but I never know what to say. I can tell when you’re upset even through a screen with a faceless name. The way you type is different. You don’t rant and you become distant. That’s the kind of person you are and every sane person is. We close up when we get emotional and never want to talk about it. But are my distractions good enough? It’s only writing after all. It doesn’t change the fact you hurt day after day. Sometimes it feels like your expectations of me are too high and I’ll never live up to them. I’ll never be the person to fix your problems and make your life better, especially with my crummy advice. Some things are easier said than done.

How could I possibly know what to do in your situation? I don’t. You’ve lived more than me; even if that life is hell. I’m a stupidly innocent demon and you’re the devil himself. I don’t mean that in a bad way, but you know how corrupt the world is; You’ve seen the bad with your own eyes. I’ll keep my youthful optimism and say things will get better. You’ve told me your dreams, your goals and plans for the future. There’s no faith there to see yourself succeed. The words looked good on paper, yet you crumpled them up without batting an eye. You’re a strong person, Levi. You want to help people and that will get you far in life no matter how cloudy your past might be. Since it’s gone this far, start living. I’ll be there as much as I can.

Some days I fail to do that. My own emotional state gets in the way and it eats at my insides to know you’re suffering because of my selfishness. I should be the crutch in this relationship, not the other way around. I’ve had things handed to me on a silver platter tarnished with a little rust, while you’ve had to claw your way to the surface in order to survive. Not many people make it as far as you have, and in a way I look up to you. Inspiration. No matter how much pain someone endures, there’s always a light at the end, it may be dim, but it’s just up to you to find it. It’s possible to push through and come out on the other side. Sure, you may have some cuts and bruises from the struggle, but you’re alive and that’s what’s important.

I can’t tell if I’ve been a part of the light, or a part of the struggle. Maybe both. There’s been several times when you thought I hated you. I may have been upset or angry, but it’s not possible for me to hate you. We’ve been through too much to have something as small as an argument break us apart. Listen to me, I sound like a sappy boyfriend. We’re not a couple, but even so, we have something stronger. Most couples don’t last forever and even marriage isn’t sound. We don’t need a ring or fancy charm.

I know I’ve never directly said those three words; the ones you promised to say every night so I could feel like someone cares. I don’t even type them. The best I can do is send two keyboard strokes that form a sad excuse for a heart. I don’t send those to many people. Maybe it’s just difficult for me to express love since I’ve never felt it before. I have no idea how to say it and sound genuine. Every word makes me cringe. There’s a difference between the love of a family member and the affection of friendship, though I’ve never known how to show either of them. That’s a big part of our seemingly one sided relationship. You aren’t afraid to say what’s on your mind. You’re blunt and I appreciate that; yet another thing I admire.

The first time you told me you loved me I couldn’t do anything but stare at my screen; looking off into space as if seeing something that wasn’t there. I was confused trying to think of something to say. I didn’t know why you felt like that to be completely honest. Back then, I really had no idea who you were. You sent me fake pictures to make me think you were someone else. I was naive and believed everything. Were you afraid I would turn away? Why couldn’t you see then what I do now? Why weren’t you proud? You covered up behind the images of a thin blond for the longest time, but the truth came out piece by piece.

Once that happened, we grew together in a weird way. Like how siblings would after being separated for a long enough time. It was as though I finally knew you. You told me about your life, your father, and the mental and physical scars left from being strong for too long. You thought I was crazy for staying. As if it were impossible for our friendship to work with the bomb you dropped and the distance between us. I didn’t care about any of that. All of us wish to be someone else, living somewhere else; spending too much time pretending we’re in another body when we should be protecting the one holding us together right now. We’ve grown a little since then and still pushing each other up the hill.

The day you disappeared was a time I won’t forget. You left with no warning; no goodbye and no telling when you would come back, just like now. I waited. I waited uselessly because that’s all I could do. I checked back every day so see if you’d come online. Days turned into weeks and then months. I started searching your name all over the internet thinking the worst had happened. Maybe there was an accident, or the pain became too much and you took your own life. I had no result, so many loose ends and no way to tie them up. You finally came back and I swear I couldn’t breathe. Now I’m scared my nightmares have come true.

The first time you showed me your scars I cried. It was only a picture. A simple hundred megabytes photo that made everything so real. All pictures before had been lies, but this opened up a whole other bottle of emotions I’d never felt before. You acted so happy on screen and behind text. It was a new and almost scary side of you I’d never known. The fact you showed me in the first place was a shock in itself.

Did you really trust me that much, Levi?

I’m still a stranger to you. We’ve never seen each other in person; never touched or heard the others’ voice without the obstruction of speakers or a microphone. And yet, you’ve shared so much with little to no hesitation. Maybe you were just desperate; reaching out for someone because you’ve spent your life being kicked around like an unwanted toy.

I listened. Every word had my utmost attention. Even if I didn’t respond right away, I was busy letting your words sink in and the severity of the situation. Listening isn’t much, but I wanted you to feel better even if it got to me more than it should have. If you were upset, so was I. If you were happy, all of those emotions would pass to me. Despite all that, I stayed. I knew you needed someone has a pillar of support and I cared enough to be there. You say all the time that I don’t care, but this is my crummy way of showing it.

If you’re really gone, maybe that’s it. I won’t have the chance to really tell you how I feel. I’ve kept my life a secret from you so you wouldn’t have to worry. You were hurting more than me so it only seemed right. Your scars were deeper and family broken. I could get by with a few marks here and there, but you needed someone so you could stay alive.

Did I make a mistake? I’m so sorry if I did.

I’m scared I’ll never get to see you or talk to you. All those hours being up late talking about stupid dreams an and ideas will be for nothing. All those plans we made when you would come visit me will be lost in ash. I’ll forget how you sound, and that non caring attitude you showed on a regular basis. The truth is, I think you care too much. You’ve been more concerned about me than caring about yourself and that’s not how things work. No life is more important than your own and you need to stop putting others before yourself. Don’t put your happiness in other peoples’ hands.

This sounds like a goodbye note, and maybe it is. If you ever come back, I promise I never meant to hurt you, Levi. All those things I said were only out of concern. People make mistakes and it’s a part of life. This is one mistake I won’t be able to to take back. I want to thank you for everything. You’ve been more than a friend to me and I never deserved any of it.

If you’re really gone, then maybe I’ll get the chance to tell you in another place. I know I’m an atheist, but I have this feeling we’ll be able to meet again and be happier. We can leave behind the lives we used to know and erase old scars. I really hope it’s true. Maybe it’s my mind talking crazy and putting aside what I’m about to do. I’m being selfish and I think for once in my life, I deserve to just this once.

I’ll talk to you again.

I’m sorry, Levi. I love you.  

~Eren


End file.
